In the age of Tinder, a common concern within the IBD community is when and how to discuss your condition with a potential partner. It’s a tough question, but lucky for all of you, I have the answer. And the answer is… It depends! There’s not a one size fits all answer to when or how to tell a partner that you’re living with a chronic illness. To help you better answer these questions for yourself, I’ve broken things down based on where you are in your dating life and what type of dating you’re doing. You have to be honest with yourself. What are you looking for when you are meeting someone for the first time?
All of this is entirely subjective, and there’s a good chance someone is going to read this and think I’m a complete dipshit. I’m more than okay with that! My intention is to get you thinking and help you come up with a game plan that ultimately eases your fears of dating with IBD.
Fun or Casual Dating
Your goal here is to enjoy yourself! Maybe you’re swiping on your preferred dating app, or just looking for some strange at your favorite watering hole. That’s totally okay! Believe me, this type of dating is very possible even if you’re living with Crohn’s, UC, or even an ostomy.
If you aren’t looking for any type of commitment from the other person, you absolutely don’t owe them anything when it comes to your personal health history (STDs aside, of course). If you are meeting someone for the first time with the intention just to hook up, I strongly suggest you not tell them about your IBD. Nothing will kill sexual chemistry quite like the words, “listen, I have a disease that gives me explosive diarrhea.”
Now, if you’re rocking an ostomy, you might want to let the other person know somewhere between the bar and your place. When she goes to take off your pants and accidentally grabs a bag full of excrement, she’s going to have some questions. Although, I had a roommate that dated a girl who was born with no fingers on one hand, and he never knew. They dated for like two months, and I unfortunately, remember they had plenty of sex. We all found out about the fingers one night, long after they had broken up. If you’re that good at hiding your ostomy, just stop reading now. You are a master and have nothing to learn from me.
Experimental Dating
This type of dating is much more open-ended. You’re not just looking for a fling, but you’re also not ready to walk down the aisle tomorrow either. This is where most people will find themselves.
With this type of dating, I suggest you not go into the date hell-bent on discussing your irritable bowels with a virtual stranger. It’s tough out there in the dating world, and first dates are about putting your best foot forward. Every single person out there has quirks, negative traits, and things they’re shy or embarrassed about. First dates are not the time to put all of that on display. I already know what you’re thinking, “I’m not ashamed of my disease, and I shouldn’t have to hide my disease from a potential partner.” You’re not wrong, but hear me out. I also wouldn’t suggest bringing up your ex, family drama, politics, how horrible of a day you had, or the names you have picked out for your future children. These are all things that could scare away what could otherwise be an excellent match.
Now, that’s not a hard and fast rule to live by. I know plenty of people who have discussed poop on the first date and are still going strong. If the conversation organically leads to your condition, let the person across from you know! Being chronically ill is nothing to be ashamed of. Still, those types of conversations are usually better left for second and third dates.
All that said, when you do decide to bring up your IBD, delivery is crucial. “I just wanted to let you know I have this disease called Crohn’s that’s really negatively impacted my life. I’m always in the hospital, and my life expectancy is probably shorter.” Is vastly different from, “I just wanted to bring up that I have Crohn’s. I have more good days than bad days, but it’s something that I have to live with forever. How does that make you feel?” Be honest, but also empathetic that the individual sitting across from you is a person with their own thoughts and aspirations. If they decide dating someone with IBD is not for them, try not to take it too personally. It just wasn’t meant to be. The good news is most people won’t end a relationship based on IBD.
Dating for Marriage
In this type of dating, the purpose of the first date is to decide whether or not you could see yourself married to this person. Maybe you’re working with a matchmaker (have you watched Netflix’s dating show Indian Matchmaking? Holy shit! It’s like a car crash, I just couldn’t look away!), or have signed up for a dating site for serious daters only. These dates are more like interviews, and if you believe this is where you are in your dating life, it’s important to bring up dealbreakers right away.
Your partner not being accepting of your chronic illness is most definitely a dealbreaker, so in this situation, I suggest you let your date know right away. You might even consider letting them know before you meet. When you have a clear and defined objective, you don’t want to invest a lot of time into something that won’t work.
Again, remember to be tactful in your approach. When the waiter puts down their bowl of French onion soup, “Hey, that reminds me of what came out of me this morning,” is probably not going to go over well no matter what. Be clear and direct. It’s essential that the other person know what they’re getting into, but every gory detail probably isn’t necessary right away. A hint of mystery is a good thing!
In another post, I talked about Babe Ruth’s famous quote, “Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.” This is especially true when it comes to dating. Get out there and kiss a few frogs! I promise your person is out there somewhere.
What are your experiences with dating and IBD? Let me know in the comments section below!
